


Nobody Needs to Know

by moontear



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Brother/Brother Incest, Drama, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-03-06 15:31:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13414236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moontear/pseuds/moontear
Summary: REVAMP of a story from 2008 that was once a co-write. Starting over now!Cloud's barely seen his brother, Sora, over the last ten years. It's an intentional move on his part, and Sora just can't understand why. What could he have possibly done wrong? They were so close when they were younger!One evening, Sora slips on ice and injures his arm. He goes to the hospital his brother is a resident at, running into him at the ER. Will he finally get some answers? And if he does, will he like what he hears...?





	1. And I Loved And I Loved And I Lost You

**Author's Note:**

> All right, so this was once a co-write that had three chapters and was last updated in 2008. Since then, I've lost touch with my co-writer. No idea where she went. She kinda literally disappeared from the internet. 
> 
> Anyway, so the other day I was reading over the original, and I loved it. But… I wanted to update it, you know, make it better. I'm a different person and writer than I was ten years ago. I'm really hoping you guys like the new version! 
> 
> Claudia Strauss was the name on Tetsuya Nomura's concept art for Cloud's mother. Noting this here in advance. 
> 
> IMPORTANT NOTE OF DOOM: 
> 
> This story contains incest. If you are not comfortable with this, please read no further. If you are, read away!
> 
> A special thanks to rabid behemoth for kindly taking the time to beta this story for me!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right, so this was once a co-write that had three chapters and was last updated in 2008. Since then, I've lost touch with my co-writer. No idea where she went. She kinda literally disappeared from the internet.
> 
> Anyway, so the other day I was reading over the original, and I loved it. But… I wanted to update it, you know, make it better. I'm a different person and writer than I was ten years ago. I'm really hoping you guys like the new version!
> 
> Claudia Strauss was the name on Tetsuya Nomura's concept art for Cloud's mother. Noting this here in advance.
> 
> IMPORTANT NOTE OF DOOM:
> 
> This story contains incest. If you are not comfortable with this, please read no further. If you are, read away!
> 
> A special thanks to rabid behemoth for kindly taking the time to beta this story for me! 

 

 

_January 15, 2017_

 

God, he was tired.

 

Cloud rubbed at his eyes as he headed back into the chaos of the ER. They were a trauma center, so individual rooms weren't common here. Instead, there were beds set up with curtains, although at the moment it wasn't very busy.

 

His shift was ending soon, and he couldn't be more grateful. Unlike tonight, the rest of the week had been filled with nonstop patients, which wasn't unusual, just wearying. He had a day off tomorrow, though he didn't know yet what was he going to do with it. Probably sleep. These on-calls were kicking his ass, not to mention the tedious paperwork. 

 

"Take this, take this, take this, take this, third bed on the right!"

 

A clipboard was pressed into his hands as a fellow resident, Yuffie, ran past, way too energetic. She always was. It was obnoxious. Still, he took the clipboard as he looked after her. She was being paged, probably. That was fine. He'd leave her with the paperwork.

 

"All right," he said as he came close to the curtain and opened it, his gaze on the patient's chart. He'd had to learn to project his voice early on. He was too quiet to be heard over the general noise. "Mr…."

 

His heart stopped.

 

"CLOUD!" a very happily surprised voice called.

 

It was his brother.

 

Cloud lowered the chart and came face to face with Sora Strife. The younger man was grinning. He'd filled out a lot since high school, no longer quite as gangly thanks to what was probably the gym. From what Cloud remembered, Sora was after his master's in creative writing. He'd dropped his interest in sports shortly before college.

 

Bright blue eyes, ridiculously blue, the blue he saw in his own mirror. Spiky brown hair forced down in places with clips that had black skulls on them. Form fitting, faded skinny jeans with holes at the knees, and a black zipper hoodie pulled over a simple red shirt. God. The boy hadn't changed a single iota in ten years, and it didn't matter, because he pulled it off. Had to be the young skin.

 

His thighs in those pants, the calves being hugged sinfully by denim…

 

Sora held up his arm. He had an ugly gash and clearly needed stitches. The nurse practitioner was preparing that right now, sitting beside the brunet as she worked quietly.

 

Cloud couldn't do this.

 

He stared into those baby blues for what felt like a small eternity and then closed the curtain quickly.

 

"Hey!" Sora yelped. "Cloud!"

 

No.

 

No.

 

NO.

 

NO!!!!

 

Cloud opened a door blindly and threw himself inside.

 

* * *

 

 

Sora couldn't believe what had just happened. He sat there with his mouth slightly open, his brother's name a half-whisper on his lips.

 

_Cloud…_

Why? Why had it been like this? Ever since Sora had graduated high school, he'd rarely seen his brother. It seemed that Cloud was always visiting their parents at times that Sora wasn't. During the holidays, Cloud would beg off, claiming he had work. And he probably did, but it was no less frustrating.

 

Sora thought in the last year alone he'd seen his brother maybe once…? He'd come to drop off some books for his mother to read, and Cloud had left the second he'd shown up. Sora had stared after him, a little dumbfounded.

 

 _"Mom,"_ he remembered saying. _"Does Cloud hate me or something…?"_

Claudia had smiled, her eyes crinkling at the corners. _"Don't be silly. Cloud loves you. He's just busy with work, that's all. Doctors have very little free time."_

 

Sora winced as the nurse practitioner—Wendy, her name tag read—began to sew his wound back together. Talk about painful. She'd sterilized it and numbed the area with lidocaine. It wasn't her fault that he had a naturally low pain tolerance.

 

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" Wendy said worriedly. "Do you feel the needle that much?"

 

"No, I'm just a big baby," he assured her.

 

He let his gaze wander so that he didn't have to think about the pain. His eyes landed on what must have been another resident at the nurse's desk. He had chocolate brown hair down to his shoulders, stormy gray eyes, and a scar between them and along his nose. The man was eating an apple, chewing slowly with a raised eyebrow as he looked between Sora and wherever Cloud had disappeared.

 

 _Okay, so it's not just me then,_ he thought. _Cloud is acting weird!_

"So you said you fell on the ice?" Wendy asked conversationally. She was going to be sitting there for a bit, weaving thread through his skin. Why spend the minutes quietly? A fellow chatterbox himself, Sora understood that.  

 

"Yeah," Sora replied. "I did. I was outside the university, on my way to my car, and I slipped on the steps and into the pothole. My arm hit the edge." He wrinkled his nose.

 

"You drove all the way here?"

 

"Yeah… I've got blood all over the inside of my car. It's going to be a real bit—" He stopped and cleared his throat. He tried to show good manners around strangers, and a potty mouth wouldn't do. "It's a real mess."

 

"I bet," she said distractedly.

 

Sora had to look away. He was a little squeamish. The sight of the needle going through his skin was downright terrifying and disgusting. How did Cloud work here, with so much blood and gore? Oh, sure, there was the normal stuff, but even then, you had puke, you had… nope, he was done thinking about it.

 

The brunet at the counter left in the direction Cloud had headed. He came back several minutes later with Sora's chart and started firing off questions in a slow, bored voice. The tag clipped to his scrubs read Squall Lionheart. Sora wondered why his bedside manner was so awful. If he didn't want to be here, why become a doctor?

 

The second he was done talking, before he could slip away, Sora asked the question that had been hammering at him for a solid fifteen minutes.

 

"Hey, um… so…" He cleared his throat awkwardly. This guy was… intense. His eyes let you know right off the bat that he wasn't interested in talking past your diagnosis. "Cloud, that's my brother. He left. Is he okay, did something ha—?"

 

"Dr. Strife got paged." And he closed the curtain all the way around.

 

"Is he always like that…?" Sora muttered to Wendy.

 

"Mmmmhmmmm."

 

Yeah, that _so_ wasn't surprising.

 

* * *

 

 

_January 17, 2017_

"So what was with your brother the other day?" Squall asked as he signaled for two more shots of tequila.

 

Cloud waited until they'd both downed the shots before he answered, his lips stinging. "What do you mean?" He knew exactly what Squall was getting at. That didn't mean he was going to answer.

 

How did you tell your friend that you were unhealthily fixated on your brother and had been for about a decade?

 

You didn't, that was how.

 

Squall gave him a long look.

 

Cloud slapped some cash on top of the bar. "I've got to get going. I need to be at the hospital in six hours." Paopu Memorial, the grueling residency program that made you rethink doctor-dom.

 

"Wait." Squall pulled a twenty from his wallet and put it on top of Cloud's contribution to the tab. "I'll walk out with you."

 

Cloud knew what that was code for.

 

* * *

 

 

Two hours later, Squall slid into his jeans and buckled his belt. Cloud fell back onto the mattress, damp with sweat and physically satiated, which he'd long ago accepted would be all he'd ever get. His heart was taken. No attempt at giving it away to someone else had ever worked.

 

That wasn't so bad, though. This thing with Squall had only ever been about sex and was infrequent. Cloud supposed that sometimes even the most standoffish of men could be driven to loneliness. He knew that feeling well, as he was standoffish himself.

 

The brunet pulled on his shirt, his muscles rippling with the short movements. He gathered his hair back, grabbed a band from his pocket, and tied his hair off his face. He had a beautiful body. Anybody with two working eyes could see that.

 

It just wasn't Sora's.

 

Cloud scrubbed his hands over his face. He had to stop doing this. It was never, _ever_ going to happen. It was fucked up, twisted, perverted, whatever negative connotation you could spin on it. He'd accepted that long ago, had done everything in his power to try to make it go away. It wouldn't. So he soldiered on, the future of loneliness awaiting him sometimes more than he could bear.

 

"I'll see you." Squall tugged on his buckled boots and shouldered on his bomber jacket. He shoved his bangs off his forehead.

 

Cloud lifted a hand in farewell.

 

Snow was gathering on the window. He watched it drift down in the light from the street lamp until he fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

 

Across the city, Sora sat on the windowsill in his living room, his eyes fastened on the snow as he took a sip of his hot chocolate.

 

"Oh, my _God_ , Sora, your obsession with snow has got to stop." Riku shook said snow out of his hair as he came through the front door. They shared a house, and had since Riku had finished with his master's in forensic science. Sora hadn't started college until a few years after Riku had, so his best friend had gotten the head start in the financial department.

 

Sora loved it. Apartments were stuffy to him, and with the money he got for living from his student loans, he was at least able to pay most of his share.

 

"What obsession?"

 

"Every time it snows, there you are, watching it like you'll never see it again. We live in Radiant Gardens. We've lived here all our lives. When has snow _not_ fallen in January, at the absolute latest?"

 

Sora frowned at him. "Geeze, you're cranky. Bad day at work?"

 

Riku specialized in criminal forensics. The classes he'd had to take to get his job made Sora's mind spin just thinking about it. Chemistry, biology, physics, engineering, psychology, anthropology, entomology, medicine and criminal courses… Yeah. That was a _lot_.

 

Sora supposed it was worth it for about 100k a year.

 

"That asshole Ethoran was there. He's creepy as fuck, thinks he knows better than me because he's a withering old man, and tries to recruit me all the God damn time." Riku yanked his jacket off and stomped into the kitchen. Sora could hear him throwing his keys on the table. The fridge door opened.

 

"I got stitches the other day!" Sora yelled. He hadn't seen Riku that much this week because Riku had been pulling night shifts.

 

Riku stuck his head out of the kitchen. "What was that?"

 

Sora raised his arm silently.

 

"Jesus _Christ_ , Sora!" Riku strode across the living room in his socks with a leftover half a sub in his hand. "What the hell did you do this time?"

 

"Heeeey…" Sora glared. "What do you mean, _this time_?"

 

Riku smirked. "We both know how clumsy you are."

 

"It was the ice's fault!" Sora huffed. "I slipped on some stairs and landed in a pothole the size of—" He stopped as Riku burst into laughter. Then he narrowed his eyes. "Really? It's that funny?"

 

"It's fucking hilarious." Riku wiped a tear from his eye, shook his head, and headed back to the kitchen.

 

"You're a jerk!" Sora retorted. "Oh, and something weird happened with Cloud."

 

Riku paused. "You saw Cloud? Will wonders never cease?"

 

"Yeah, I know," Sora muttered into his hot chocolate. He wanted to finish drinking it before it got too cold. "But it was really weird, right? I came in, and I didn't even know he was working." He didn't know diddly squat about his brother's schedule. "And he shows up, and he sees me, and… get this, he doesn't even _say a single thing_ before he just ran away!"

 

Riku pushed his brows together. "Ran away?"

 

"Yeah! He opened up my curtain, was like all doctorly for two seconds, saw me, and then…" Sora gestured with a hand to indicate scooting off. "He just closed the curtain and vanished. He looked so panicked."

 

"What? That's… strange."

 

"I _know_ ," Sora said empathetically. He'd tried to tell his mother and she'd just clucked that Cloud probably had to attend to some patients. "And I asked my new doctor about it, the one who saw the whole thing, and he totally brushed me off. Said Cloud had to go and then left me there. He was really rude."

 

If Sora hadn't happened to glance up just then, he would have entirely missed the knowing expression on Riku's face.

 

"What?" he said.

 

"What?" Riku echoed.

 

"What was that look?"

 

"What look?"

 

"Don't do that, Riku! You know exactly what I'm talking about!"

 

"It's just that…" Riku searched for words. "He's been acting this way for, like, a super long time. I wouldn't put too much stock into it. He's got issues, I don't know." Riku raised his sandwich. "I'm starving, so if you'll excuse me…"

 

Sora let him leave and frowned at the snow, as if it could solve all the mysteries about his brother.

 

_"Sora…" Cloud's arms wound around him. Sora was shivering, had just emerged from their family's pool. He was sixteen and still sad that Cloud was often away at college. "I missed you…"_

Where had _that_ Cloud gone? The sweet one?

 

Seriously, what had Sora done to make his brother hate him so much?

 

* * *

 

 

_January 31, 2017_

Sora ran his fingers through his spikes as he stared up at the menu board at Starbucks. Normally he got a frappuccino, but it was too damned cold for that.

 

"I'll have a caramel macchiato, please. Hot, yeah." He gave the barista his credit card.

 

He had to be at the university in half an hour, and he was already late, but he needed his coffee. He thrived on caffeine. He was a grad student. He didn't have much of a choice. He was worked to the bone as it were.

 

Five minutes later, Sora took his macchiato and wound his way through the crowd. He preferred the Starbucks by his house. So close to the university, every place around here was busy, busy, busy. Doctors and students mostly, but the usual businessmen, as well.

 

The door jingled as it opened, and a familiar blond head full of spikes appeared.

 

Sora lit up. He couldn't help it. He loved his brother, and he'd been hoping to maybe run into him at this location. "Cloud, hey!" He waved a hand.

 

The bastard did it again.

 

He ran.

 

Not hindered by a nurse and stitches, Sora tore after him. What the hell?!

 

"Hey!" Sora grabbed onto his elbow. "Cloud, c'mon, what did I do?!"

 

"Quit! Let me go! I have to get to the hospital!"

 

"Oh, that's bullshit, and you know it! You were just walking in to get coffee!" Sora was so angry he couldn't stand it. What could he have possibly done to deserve this treatment? He'd once been his brother's entire world. What had changed?

 

"Sora, just _go_. Okay? Go away. Leave me alone." Cloud took to the sidewalk.

 

Sora stared after him in disbelief and then caught up with him. Well, sort of. Cloud had much longer legs, so Sora was sort of stuck trailing behind him. "No! I won't until you tell me what I did!"

 

"You didn't do anything!" Cloud yelled over his shoulder.

 

"Then why are you running away from me?!"

 

"Just go!"

 

"No!"

 

"Sora, quit! _Go away_!"

 

"NO!" Tears touched Sora's lashes. He'd never been good at not being a big baby. Maybe it wasn't manly, but to hell with that. He didn't _deserve_ this, he didn't, he didn't, he didn't.

 

"Sora, I swear to God—"

 

"TELL ME!" Sora screamed.

 

Cloud whipped around so fast, Sora was still choking on the last word. He stumbled back despite himself. He'd never seen Cloud look so… so angry.

 

Sora sniffled.

 

"I'm in love with you!" Cloud shouted.

 

What…

 

Wait…

 

No…

 

What…?

 

What kind of a thing was that to say…?

 

"Don't joke around!" Sora yelled. "Okay, that isn't funny! It's not—you're not—"

 

Cloud got directly in his face. "But I _am_." His words were a hiss, nothing more. "I have been. For years. And I can't stop it. So I stay away from you, to save you. Okay? Okay, Sora? Stay away!"

 

Sora was left standing there as his brother left, because this time, he couldn't bring himself to follow him.

 

What…?

 

Cloud was…

 

Cloud was…

 

Cloud was…

 

The macchiato dropped out of his hand and splattered against the icy sidewalk.

 

_…What…?_


	2. Apparently, There's A Lot Out There

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many, many, many thanks to rabid behemoth for beta'ing this for me!

 

_February 3, 2017_

_2016_

_2015_

_2014_

_…_

_…_

_…_

_May 3, 2008_

"Cloud!"

 

"Whoa—hey!"

 

"CloudCloudCloud!"

 

"All right, all right, simmer down…"

 

Cloud chuckled quietly under his breath, his arms full of his brother. Sora had his head buried at his chest, so Cloud lifted his hand and tangled it in brunet spikes. Sora was gangly and awkward, and he was so cute, cuter by the day. Every time Cloud came home to see him, it was a pleasant surprise to see how much he'd grown.

 

His fingers lingered in Sora's hair. He pressed his brother closer and dipped his head down, inhaling softly. He could feel the line of Sora's body against his. It wasn't something he should have noticed—it wasn't something he _wanted_ to notice. Except…

 

"Did you come home for my birthday?" Sora mumbled against his chest.

 

Cloud squeezed him closer in answer.

 

His brother lifted his head to grin at him, the grin that stole the hearts of anyone on the receiving end. Sora was an energetic, super cute teenager, and Cloud hoped he stayed that way forever. The world was cruel and unfair, but Sora would be able to find a place and still maintain his sense of self. Cloud was sure of it.

 

"I'm fifteen today," Sora announced.

 

A normal sibling might have ribbed Sora about stating the obvious. Cloud only cupped one of those chubby cheeks and stroked his thumb over it. Sora hummed happily at this and wriggled his way back into Cloud's embrace.

 

"One more year, and you'll be able to drive," Cloud murmured.

 

"That's so far away, though," Sora whined.

 

"It'll pass before you know it, buddy."

 

"Don't call me 'buddy.'" Sora's features pulled into an adorable glare, and Cloud had to bite back a smile. "I'm fifteen now. You have to start treating me like a man!"

 

Cloud's breath caught. For the last year, his… feelings toward Sora weren't right… And the idea of seeing Sora grow into a man, losing his baby fat and filling out… or even if he stayed so lean and slender…

 

It just… wasn't…

 

"All right," Cloud agreed in his quiet way. Of the two brothers, Sora talked the most, and this was just fine with Cloud. Sora usually filled up the hours with his bubbly disposition, leaving Cloud free to ruminate and only nod when it was needed.

 

Sora's body was so perfect against his own… as if he'd been made to mold into Cloud's arms…

 

 _This isn't right_ , he thought. He pulled his hips away from Sora's, because he was getting rock hard and it was impending his judgment. And how would he explain to Sora why he was erect right now? No excuse seemed plausible enough.

 

Sora pouted and insistently snuggled closer.

 

Cloud squeezed his eyes shut. They were alone in Cloud's room, the room that hadn't changed since he'd left for college. Sora had ambushed him while Cloud was still unpacking for the weekend. Cloud loved his little brother and was determined not to miss anything important, no matter how difficult that would be once medical school ended and his internship began. But that was still a few years away.

 

 _We're alone_ , his brain reminded him unhelpfully. Alone, alone, alone.

 

Christ, he was in trouble.

 

He tried to keep his hips away as much as he was able. The temptation of grabbing onto Sora's ass and rocking him up against his cock was almost more than he could bear. He could picture it so easily… the little moan Sora would give; the way his brother's hands would clutch at his shirt for support. He was untouched, and so innocent, and he loved Cloud so much. It wouldn't be too far of a reach to… cultivate… Sora, to let him think it was normal…

 

His traitorous, trembling hand smoothed down Sora's warm back. All he had to do was tilt Sora's head up, stare into those big blue eyes, and… draw his thumb over that sweet lower lip… Sora would look confused, questioning… Cloud would kiss him, part his lips like he'd been dreaming of for months, tangle their tongues together… slowly guide his brother in the art of kissing…

 

"Sora! Cloud!" their mother's voice rang out. "The barbeque's ready!"

 

Cloud jerked away from Sora in a supremely guilty fashion. His brother didn't notice—he was already giving a whoop of hunger and rushing out of the bedroom.

 

Cloud fell onto his bed, arms spread out, legs dangling over the edge.

 

He closed his eyes.

 

_I'm sick… so sick…_

This was so fucked up.

 

* * *

 

 

_February 7, 2017_

 

Sora gathered his courage with one long breath and then knocked on his brother's apartment door.

 

He'd had to harass their mother to get this address. Claudia got distracted easily, and kept failing to reply to Sora's inquisition. He'd finally gotten her on track, and she'd unearthed her address book and texted him the information.

 

_"Are you going to visit your brother, Sora? That's so sweet."_

 

Sweet. Yeah.

 

Sweet…

 

Just as he was thinking maybe this was a _terrible_ idea, Cloud yanked the door open. Judging by his expression, he'd looked out the peephole first. That was an incredibly scary, angry face.

 

"Go _away_ , Sora."

 

Sora put his foot in the door before it could close and then darted under his brother's arm. Cloud cursed behind him, but he didn't care. His eyes lingered over the furniture. It had a soft touch, and he knew from growing up with Cloud that the man had spartan tastes.

 

"Do you have a roommate?" Sora asked, clutching onto the strap of his messenger bag. It was the only way to hide how much his fingers were trembling.

 

Cloud glowered at him from the door. He was shirtless, a pair of blue sleep pants with the emblem of his university on it hanging from his hips. His arms were folded, his bare feet spread apart on the hardwood floor.

 

When the hell did he get so… muscular…?

 

Pale pink nipples, sharp, jutting hipbones, a smattering of gold hair that got increasingly darker as it disappeared into the waistband of those pants.

 

Whoa.

 

What.

 

Cheeks as hot as a sauna, Sora turned his face away. What was that about? What was he doing? He had never checked out his brother before. That was wrong. Very, very wrong. It was probably just because he—he knew how Cloud felt now. Sora was trying to understand it from his point of view, to see if he could look at Cloud that way. Yes. That was perfectly plausible.

 

"Sora, why are you here?" His brother's voice was quiet, almost… deadly.

 

When they were younger, that often meant that Sora was about to get his ass handed to him. Cloud was four years older than him, and he'd found Sora annoying for a good portion of their childhood. Sora raiding his things and breaking them might have had something to do with that.

 

"I…" Sora cleared his throat. He pressed his cool fingers to his cheeks to try to disperse the heat. It was uncomfortable. Why was he still blushing? "I don't understand, Cloud… You—you tell me you love me, and then… I mean, it's been a week, and…"

 

"Why are you _here_ , Sora?" Cloud repeated.

 

Anger flaring, Sora let his eyes snap up to his brother's. "Because I love you. You're my brother. I just—I want to understand."

 

"There's nothing to understand." Cloud took a menacing step forward.

 

"Yes, there is! You—"

 

All at once, Cloud had closed the distance between them, and he had Sora's bicep in his grip. Sora gasped, unprepared for the assault as Cloud dragged him across the living room. Sora was sure he was going to physically toss him out the door. Only that didn't happen. No, Cloud found the brick wall near the door and shoved Sora into it instead.

 

Sora reacted instinctively. His arms and legs flew out in a flurry, and he struggled against Cloud's bulk. He couldn't win in a fight against his brother, no, but he could try to escape. Sora had always been like a monkey. He could climb his way over someone's head and run for freedom.

 

Cloud's hands found his hips. Sora's foot went to collide with Cloud's abdomen and missed as Cloud lifted him into the air, above his head. Embarrassed by how easily Cloud could hold him up—Sora was a grown-ass man!—Sora started fighting with his arms. They stopped just short of doing any real damage to Cloud's head, glancing off it.

 

His brother slammed him into the wall again. A quick tussle ensued, wherein Cloud managed to hold Sora close enough to the wall that he couldn't try his first escape attempt again. Sora gritted his teeth, doing the best he could to fight against Cloud. He didn't know what Cloud was going to do. Probably murder him, and Sora was scared.

 

Cloud's fingers encircled Sora's wrists and held them above his head. He ground them into the brick, one knee between Sora's thighs, ensuring that he couldn't budge more than an inch. A weird sensation fluttered in Sora's stomach, and he swallowed as he looked up into his brother's eyes.

 

"You want to understand?" Cloud was breathless from their wrestling.

 

Despite himself, Sora nodded. He was transfixed by the expression on that face. There was heat in those blue pools of eyes, and it was—it was… wrong, because Cloud was his brother, and no one was supposed to look at their sibling that way…

 

How had he never seen this?

 

How had he missed the signs?

 

Sora blamed himself. If he had known, he could have done something, surely! And now he wanted to understand Cloud, to help him. There had to be something he could do. Why wouldn't Cloud let him? Why was Cloud pushing him away?

 

"You want to _understand_?" Cloud asked again.

 

"Yes!" Sora cried.

 

Wasn't that evident? He was here, he hadn't run away, he—

 

Cloud kissed him.

 

Sora's eyes grew very wide.

 

Cloud… his brother… his _brother_ … was kissing him…

 

This was so wrong.

 

_His lips are warm… soft…_

 

This was very, very wrong.

 

The tip of Cloud's tongue glided over the seam of his mouth. Sora realized his eyes had closed, and now he couldn't make himself open them. He was numb all over. There was something he was supposed to be doing. Something important.

 

Cloud's tongue touched against his, flicking once, sending a jolt of electricity through Sora, straight to his…

 

Teeth sank into Sora's bottom lip. A gentle pressure, increasing by the second.

 

His lips were being parted again, Cloud's tongue tangling with his this time. He rubbed it against Sora's, retreated, their lips closing—came back, pressing in again, touching his tongue… Sora's mouth was growing softer beneath Cloud's, more pliable… letting his brother do what he wanted…

 

Touching, retreating, touching, retreating…

 

Sora's pulse quickened. His lashes slipped open. Cloud gazed into his eyes, watching him as he leaned in and took Sora's lips again. A small noise escaped Sora, and he closed his eyes. He didn't know what to do…

 

Cloud's knee nudged up higher between his thighs and rocked against Sora's—

 

No!

 

Sora exploded into motion, and Cloud fell back, his eyes dark. Sora sputtered for breath, wiping at his mouth and sending panicked glances over his shoulder at Cloud as he vacated the apartment.

 

He was not erect. He was not erect. He wasn't!

 

"And stay away," Cloud said coldly.

 

The door swung shut behind him.

 

* * *

 

 

Sora crept over Riku's bed to where he was curled up in the darkness. The wind was howling so hard it was rattling the windows as a blizzard raged on outside. Sora had only just gotten home in time to avoid it.

 

"Hey…"

 

Without question, Riku held open his blanket, his eyes closed. Sora crawled under the blanket with him, turning around so that his back was against Riku's chest. His friend dropped the blanket over them both, and his arm curled over Sora's waist in a loose hold.

 

"What's wrong?" Riku's voice was groggy from sleep.

 

"Is it okay if I don't talk about it?" Sora whispered.

 

In answer, Riku buried his face in the back of Sora's neck. A moment later, his breathing deepened.

 

It was beyond childish, but Sora had been doing this for as long as he could remember, from the time they were small children. When he was eighteen, he… had had sex with Riku. Both had walked away from that experience feeling awkward and out of sorts. They hadn't let it jeopardize their relationship, and they went on, pretending like it had never happened.

 

If Riku had a girlfriend or boyfriend, Sora didn't do this. But when Riku was single, he was free to spoon with Riku and try to forget about his problems with the world.

 

There was a question gnawing at him, making him feel vaguely… sick.

 

He'd kissed Riku all those years ago, and it had been like kissing his brother. The entire affair had just been uncomfortable. So then why… when… Sora's _actual_ brother had kissed him… why hadn't that felt… just as much of a mistake…?

 

What the hell was wrong with him?

 

Had he _enjoyed_ that kiss?

 

No, he thought. No, he'd just… been taken by surprise, that was all. Who in their right mind would have thought that sort of thing would happen? Sora supposed that even despite Cloud's confession, he'd thought that maybe it was just… covering up something deeper, that he would say whatever it took to get Sora to go away. Well, all those hopes were absolutely squashed.

 

Not to mention the tiny detail of when Sora had left Cloud's apartment, his brother's pants had been tented with an erection.

 

This wasn't a joke, this wasn't a coverup, this wasn't something that was going away.

 

Cloud was in love with him.

 

Really and truly in love with him.

 

Heat warmed Sora's lashes, and he sniffled quietly so he wouldn't wake Riku.

 

Cloud… he must have felt so lonely.

 

* * *

 

 

_February 14, 2017_

Opening the door to his apartment was a fragrance-laden mistake. Cloud stared at the dozens of roses strewn across the living room. They continued into the kitchen, nauseatingly romantic. Well, that was great. Just great.

 

He fucking _hated_ Valentine's Day.

 

Cloud kicked the door shut behind him, calling Aerith's name. His roommate didn't answer, so he assumed she was out with Zack Fair somewhere. That was just as well. He loved Aerith to death, but she would be over the moon and cooing about the roses for the rest of the week. He could at least avoid one night of that.

 

Shaking his head, he tossed his keys, phone, and wallet onto his nightstand and then worked on getting out of his shoes and track clothes. He didn't often wear regular clothes to work, as he didn't see the point. The only places he really went were to the hospital… and to his bed, the one luxury he'd allowed himself: a super soft mattress with memory foam just calling his name.

 

His phone buzzed. He sighed and thumbed the screen open. He had a message from Squall.

 

- _Want to?_ -

 

Cloud thought about this awful day, and how all of his friends were out celebrating or at home fucking.

 

 _K_ , he wrote back.

 

He went to the shower to get ready for company.

 

* * *

 

 

_February 18, 2017_

 

Sora bit his lip as he stared at the computer monitor. He was in his bedroom, and he couldn't take it anymore, couldn't act like this situation wasn't messing with his head. He was in some pajama bottoms with stormtrooper heads all over it, and an oversized hoodie that had likely belonged to Riku at some point. In his hands was his third glass of whiskey, nearly empty. It was narsty as all get out, but it was the only alcohol in the house. Sora didn't drink much, and Riku wasn't a fan of beer unless it was fancy and imported.

 

Knocking back the rest of the whiskey, Sora set the glass on his desk and then pulled up Google.

 

"How… many… successful… incest… relationships… are… there…" he muttered aloud as he typed.

 

At first, all he got were articles about famous incestuous couples, which didn't do shit to help him. But eventually he stumbled upon a mention of Reddit, so that was where he went next.

 

An hour later, Sora leaned back in his seat, his hands over his face as he peered between his fingers at the screen.

 

_Holy fucking shit._

 

He stood up.

_Holy fucking shit!_

 

* * *

 

 

By the time Sora had walked all over the neighborhood, he was an icicle. He shivered, teeth chattering, and thought that maybe his hair was frozen, too. He didn't want to remove his fists from his pockets to find out. All he wanted to do was trudge on, until he was so stiff from the cold that he couldn't move.

 

Night had fallen when Sora reached his driveway, and Riku was climbing out of his Mercedes. He let out an exclamation at the sight of Sora and rushed around the car to him.

 

"Sora, what the hell, you're turning blue!"

 

Sora would have cried, but his lashes were stuck together from the snow.

 

"R-Riku… d-d-do y-y-you—"

 

"Shut up, follow me." Riku put his hand on Sora's shoulder and guided him inside. Sora didn't fight him, not even when Riku yanked off his coat and his hoodie and his pajama bottoms and his snow boots.

 

Once the bath water was drawn and steaming, he shoved Sora into it. He left the bathroom and came back with a mug of hot chocolate. By then Sora had mostly thawed. He wasn't shaking anymore, though his toes were stinging from the heat of the water.

 

"What the hell happened?" Riku demanded.

 

Sora drew a fingertip along the rim of the mug. "Do you know how many people commit incest all the time?"

 

"Er…" Riku crouched on the ground beside the tub, his arm on its side. He didn't seem to mind the water soaking into his button-down shirt. "No? Sora, what—?"

 

"Thousands of people," Sora whispered. He tilted his head back against the edge of the tub. Riku had taken him to Riku's bathroom, where the tub was one of those old-fashioned ones that sat well above the ground. He'd paid a pretty penny for it.

 

"Sora…" Riku placed his palm against Sora's forehead. "God. You're lucky you didn't catch hypothermia. How long were you out there? It's five degrees! The wind chill is in the negatives!"

 

"I don't know," Sora murmured.

 

Riku began feeling on Sora's chest, his face pinched with concern. Sora wondered why. His thoughts were slow, sluggish, and nothing really seemed to matter.

 

Nothing but those couples.

 

"Are you tired?"

 

"No," Sora murmured.

 

"Maybe we should call Cloud. What's his number—?"

 

Sora's fingers lifted with surprising agility and gripped onto Riku's wrist hard enough to make Riku's words fumble to a halt.

 

"No," Sora said firmly. "I'm just—I'm out of it. I drank a lot. I'm just… I'm just kind of drunk and cold."

 

"If you pass out—"

 

"I'm not going to. I'm fine."

 

"I don't think—"

 

"It's fine, Riku!"

 

Sora's snap echoed off the tiles in the bathroom and made Riku's face grow shadowed. He set his jaw and got to his feet.

 

Sora was instantly sorry. "Riku, I'm—I'm not myself."

 

"At least let me get you a hot water bottle," Riku said stiffly.

 

"Okay," Sora replied a little meekly.

 

* * *

 

 

Warmer than was comfortable, Sora sprawled over his bedroom floor, mostly to sap the cold from it. He lived above the garage, so there was very little insulation from whatever the outside temperature was. Right now, it was perfect.

 

So… incest was definitely a thing, a thing a lot of people were even comfortable with discussing… A great number of the posts had been about how to avoid detection. Countless more people had married their sibling and had children with them.

 

Sora had thought incest was extremely abnormal, as it was so taboo. And it was, but it wasn't _unheard_ of, and it was more common that one would expect.

 

Other people felt about their siblings the way Cloud felt about Sora.

 

He had the feeling Cloud considered himself a monster, but he wasn't. And Sora had thought that even before he'd researched the subject. That was what worried him most. Cloud, shutting himself away, protecting himself, knowing he was an awful person.

 

Sora bit into his lip, chewing on it some more.

 

Maybe… maybe he could… talk to Cloud about it that way. He couldn't go in offering a website for some sort of recovery board. He had a feeling Cloud had tried everything. He was a stubborn man, and if Sora presented it that way, Cloud would be furious, like Sora thought he needed fixing or something.

 

Sora really loved his brother. He didn't want to lose him.

 

Surely… surely he could make Cloud talk to him… somehow?

 

He thought of his brother pushing him against that wall, of the kisses that proceeded soon after. All to scare Sora away.

 

 _But I don't want to be scared away,_ Sora thought.

 

_I miss my brother._

He didn't want to be kissed, either, though.

 

His lips tingled in memory, and Sora closed his eyes in frustration.

 

_I'm so confused._


	3. Finding the Line

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to rabid behemoth for beta'ing for me!

 

_February 20, 2017_

 

There was a knock on Cloud's apartment door, sharp and determined. He knew who it was immediately and honestly thought about not answering. He didn't want to deal with Sora right now. And it wasn't that he didn't want to see his brother… it was the opposite, of course. He wanted to see Sora more than he wanted to breathe at times, and he didn't consider himself an overly dramatic person. But it was painful. Brutal.

 

What was the word for when you knew you couldn't have something, and just seeing what you couldn't have, day after day, month after month, year after year, dangling in front of you, so far out of reach…?

 

Oh, yeah. Heartbreak.

 

Cloud opened the door, and this time he made sure to completely block it with his body, mostly just sticking his head out. He wasn't going to fall for that last trick of Sora's. No foot in the door today.

 

"What the hell do you want, Sora?"

 

The wind completely taken out of his sails, Sora dropped his hand and hesitated. He'd clearly been ready to dispense some big speech. Better to head it off, then.

 

"Go. Away."

 

Did he enjoy being this cold to his brother? No. But the alternative, the idea of letting Sora in again, and then Sora realizing he didn't want this, that it was sick, that he couldn't bear to be around Cloud… well, it went straight back to that whole heartbreak thing.

 

"Cloud—"

 

"I have _nothing_ to say to you," Cloud stressed. Maybe if he was mean enough, Sora would finally get the picture and beat it.

 

Fresh resolve colored those blue eyes, and Sora's lips pressed together.

 

Or maybe not.

 

"Sora," Cloud began.

 

His brother lunged forward, and Cloud only had a second to process that he wasn't being attacked before soft lips were on his, and Sora's hands were buried in his hair.

 

Fuck.

 

Sora didn't know what he was doing. He didn't. Cloud knew this, _so_ knew this, yet that wasn't helping his resolve one bit. Didn't Sora realize what a dangerous game he was playing? Cloud seemed so cool and composed, yeah, but he wasn't… underneath that thin layer of indifference was a beast waiting to ravage the oh-so-inviting feast throwing itself in his arms.

 

"Sora—"

 

Another kiss.

 

"You don't know what you're doing—!" was all he got out before Sora kissed him again.

 

"Damn it, Sora!"

 

Kiss.

 

"Sora, I can't control—"

 

Kiss, kiss.

 

"Stop—I—"

 

Kiss.

 

Cloud growled low in his throat. He was only half-present, his thoughts on what he wanted to do to Sora, and it was his body's last way of warning Sora off.

 

And kiss.

 

Fuck it.

 

Cloud yanked his reedy brother inside, kicked shut the door because his neighbors were too damn nosy, and slammed Sora into a wall for the second time that month. His brother's eyes went wide right before Cloud slipped his fingers into silky brown locks and tilted his face up. Sora had one additional second after that, and then Cloud's lips claimed his.

 

He knew Sora wasn't going to come back after this. Why? Because Cloud was about to do the one thing that would scare him off: he was going to pour the last near decade of want, need, desire, and love into this kiss.

 

It was rough. It could have been rougher; Cloud relented at the last second. He did, however, thrust his tongue into Sora's mouth as his hands rounded over those skinny hips. He explored his brother's mouth with the attentiveness he'd been dreaming of for years. It was hungry, wet, fast, and it was some of his best work.

 

All designed to make Sora get. the fuck. out. What sane person would want to stick around after they'd been truly kissed like a lover from their brother?

 

As he had the last time Sora visited, Cloud slid a knee between Sora's thighs. He pressed Sora back into the wall, his teeth claiming the younger man's lips before he delved into his mouth once more.

 

While all this was going on, this rush of adrenaline, Cloud had failed to notice a crucial detail, and it hit him now, a wallop over the head that left him winded.

 

Sora was kissing him _back_.

 

His hands were curled in Cloud's shirt.

 

His eyes were squeezed shut.

 

He was leaning forward on his tiptoes.

 

The heat that flooded Cloud was fierce and hard to bank. He didn't do a good job of it, evidenced by the way Cloud gripped Sora's ass and grinded his thigh up. Sora's tongue was darting around his, with more skill than Cloud would have guessed, and he was making these fucking cute little noises, and oh, Christ—

 

Sora's cock was hard, and it was right against Cloud's thigh. His mind raced. Sora… _hard_. From kissing him. Almost as if he wasn't disgusted. But no. Sora hadn't thought this through. He was an empathetic little shit, always had been. He'd cry at the slightest provocation, like an animal dead on the side of the road. Admittedly only, like, dogs and cats, but still.

 

There was no God-damned way Sora actually wanted Cloud. He knew Cloud was in pain, and he wanted to do something about it the only way he thought he could.

 

Cloud rubbed up against Sora's groin a second time, and it worked like a charm.

 

Sora's eyes snapped open as he inhaled like he'd surfaced from cold water. They met Cloud's. They moved back and forth frantically, darting from one eye to the next. His hands, gripping Cloud's shirt, now flattened, pushing at Cloud's chest.

 

Cloud took a few steps back to let him go. It hurt more than he would have liked. He'd known this was going to happen. That had been the whole idea. He was ridiculous to have expected anything else.

 

His brother put his hand over his kiss-bruised mouth.

 

"Nnngh!" he choked out.

 

Cloud folded his arms. His own arousal was trapped in his jeans, painful and demanding something be done about it. The bastard could wait.

 

Without another word, Sora left.

 

Cloud sighed and rubbed a hand over the back of his neck before cricking it. He locked up and went to his bedroom to take care of the monster before he jetted to work. There was no way it was going to go down on its own anytime soon.

 

* * *

 

 

"Sora. Calm the hell down. You're going to wear a hole in the hardwood."

 

Pace, pace, pace.

 

Pace, pace, pace.

 

"I mean," Sora began, his hand working as he talked, as he continued to walk circles in the living room of his home. "Okay."

 

"Okay…"

 

"I mean…" He bit his lip. "Yeah."

 

"You do realize you're not actually _saying anything_ , right?" Riku grumped.

 

More pacing.

 

An annoyed sigh from Riku's end.

 

"Look, say… say you had a brother."

 

"I don't."

 

"Right, but pretend you had one, anyway."

 

Riku rolled his eyes and made himself comfortable on the couch. He'd cottoned on to the idea that he was stuck here.

 

"What would you do if he made the moves on you? Like… told you he was in love with you?"

 

His friend studied his nails, one arm slung over the back of the couch. "I mean, is this a serious question, or…?"

 

"Just answer me, Riku!" Sora snapped.

 

"Okay, crackhead. I mean, honestly, I'm not sure I'd really care that much."

 

Sora halted. Turned around. Staaaaared at Riku. "What?"

 

"I'm just saying, I look at dead bodies all day, every day. I've seen shit that would give you nightmares, Sor. I've helped solve cases that would do _more_ than give you nightmares."

 

"Your point?"

 

Riku leaned forward, his arms on his knees, his hands laced together in front of him. "My point is that you need to get to wherever the hell you're going with this, 'cause there's a shower calling my name. I don't, you know, particularly _like_ smelling like the corpses I'm around all day."

 

Sora took a breath. This was hard. This was so, so hard. He'd been agonizing over it ever since Cloud's declaration, especially since he'd Googled incestuous couples, and he still had no real idea how Riku was going to react. Disgusted? Wasn't that normal?

 

"CloudtoldmehewasinlovewithmeandIdon'tknowwhattodoaboutitpleasehelpme."

 

Riku blinked.

 

Sora blinked.

 

"I mean, do you love him?" Riku ventured at length.

 

"I—" Ready to defend his brother, somehow, Sora stopped at this. "Wait, what?"

 

"Do you _love him_?" Riku stressed, speaking slowly enough that Sora narrowed his eyes in ire. Riku knew exactly how to push his buttons.

 

"He's my brother, of course, I do!"

 

"No, fucktwat. Are you in love with him?"

 

"No!" Sora hugged himself. He wasn't sure why, he just needed the comfort. Riku certainly wasn't going to give it to him. "What kind of question is that?"

 

"You just told me your brother's in love with you and you want my help. Why does this surprise you?" Riku shook his head. "Anyway… do you think you could be?"

 

"I…" Sora knew his first instinct should have been to answer no. It was what any normal, sane person would do. So then why was he hesitating…?

 

"Well, you're clearly not against the idea, if your immediate response wasn't cringing in disgust and going ewwww." Riku stood. "I don't know what you want me to tell you. There's only two ways this can go. You either go with it, or you don't."

 

"Why does it have to be so black and white?" Sora protested.

 

"Because if he's in love with you, and you're not in love with him, you're just torturing him, Sora. I gotta take a shower, we can talk more after this."

 

"Coffee?" Sora asked hopefully.

 

"Sure."

 

* * *

 

 

 

"I don't understand why you bought that thing if you're not going to drink it."

 

Riku eyed Sora's monstrous peppermint disaster with great dislike. He hated liquids with peppermint in them and cringed every time Sora purchased them.

 

"Because my nerves are shot! I haven't slept or eaten in days." Sora gripped onto his stomach pudge and pouted at it. "Can't you tell I've lost some weight?"

 

"Um…" Riku looked dubious. "You snarfed down a whole can of Pringles and a bag of powdered donuts before you went to bed last night. The real question is, why haven't you _gained_ any?"

 

Sora glared.

 

"So why are we here again?"

 

"Because I went to his apartment today… and I—I kissed him."

 

"Okay…"

 

Sora waited. And waited some more.

 

Nothing.

 

"Really, that's your only reaction?" Sora finally took a sip of his drink to give his hands something to do.

 

"Just fuck him, get it out of your system, out of _his_ system, and then…" Riku shrugged. "Eh. Figure it out from there."

 

Sora choked so hard on his peppermint mocha that it went out his nose.

 

"Gross…" Riku observed.

 

* * *

 

 

_February 28, 2017_

**_"Hi, Sora…! Um, you don't know me yet, but this is Cloud's roommate, Aerith. He mentioned he had a brother the other day, and believe it or not, that old softie has a framed picture of you, too! Anyway, sweetie, we're throwing him a surprise birthday party tonight at 8:00 at 7 th Heaven. I know this is last minute, but we didn't know what it was going to be like with his schedule… Please be there thirty minutes early, if you can! Okay, bye!" _ **

****

Sora saved the voicemail with a small frown. He'd just gotten out of class and had missed the call from the unknown number. So many questions…

 

First: Who the hell called someone they didn't know and left a voicemail about a surprise birthday party? Not that she didn't sound very, very sweet. She'd even called him "sweetie." Only his mom did that.

 

Second: All of that aside… should he even _go_ to this thing? The last time he'd seen Cloud was two days ago, and it hadn't ended well…

 

But he could hear Riku's voice in the back of his mind, urging him to do this. The whole argument about how Sora couldn't find out what he really wanted until he… well, Sora was keeping it G-rated. Cloud loved him, and… and he was in pain, and… and that wasn't enough. Cloud had made it clear he couldn't be around Sora. But the only way for Sora to figure out what he wanted was to be around Cloud…

 

Maybe they could come to… some sort of compromise?

 

Besides, he thought. If he was at a surprise party with Cloud, there wasn't exactly a chance for Cloud to get away. Or be a douche, really. Not unless he wanted to be called out on it. No, whenever Cloud was somewhere he didn't want to be, surrounded by people, he defaulted to icily quiet.

 

Sora tapped the top of his phone against his chin. He had another class in twenty minutes, but…

 

He tapped a few buttons on his phone and placed it to his ear.

 

"Aerith? Hi, this is Sora!"


	4. Why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to rabid behemoth for beta-ing for me!

When Sora walked into the tasteful little restaurant on the far side of town, Cloud's heart wanted to explode. For a moment, he worried he was having an actual heart attack. But then common sense kicked in, thank God.

 

His eyes tracked Sora, fully expecting him to veer off to a table somewhere. What were the odds that Sora would be here today? And was there a way that Cloud could possibly escape from his own party without Aerith taking his head off his shoulders?

 

He received an unpleasant surprise as Sora made a beeline directly for their table.

 

Cloud's gaze went to the woman he had just been thinking about. The woman responsible for this party—for the _invite_ list. Aerith was purposefully ignoring him, getting to her feet and holding out a hand for a warm handshake. His brother's eyes darted nervously toward him, lingering only a second before they went back to the brunette before him.

 

Cloud was seething. He did his best to keep it inward. This was his birthday party. If he didn't at least pretend to enjoy himself, Aerith would kill him. Or take his dick as ransom, whichever made Cloud the most uncomfortable. She was very pretty, very sweet, but that woman had a vengeful streak the size of Radiant Gardens.

 

"Everyone, this is Sora, Cloud's brother!" she introduced cheerfully. Sora gave an awkward little wave as the rest of the table greeted him with just as much enthusiasm. Everyone except Cloud, who leaned back in his seat, an ankle over his knee, a fingertip circling the rim of his wineglass. It was a pity. With this bomb just dropped, Cloud was going to need more than wine to get through the night. Social functions already weren't his cup of tea.

 

7th Heaven was his friend Tifa's genius. The restaurant was sophisticated, candlelight fluttering at every table over white tablecloths. Music played low on the speakers, the usual Italian fanfare. But the bar was really the heart of the place, with the way the lights hung down, the racks of wine, and Tifa's able hand passing out glasses and bottles over a bar top with a mahogany finish.

 

She planned to head over as soon as she got a second, but Cloud wasn't worried. He wasn't a fan of birthdays, never made a big deal of his. Tonight was Aerith's baby.

 

Sora had gotten the memo for the semi-formal atmosphere. He lacked a tie but wore a very well-cut button-down tucked into khakis. He'd even slicked his spikes back into something respectable. Made Cloud wonder how much hair gel that had taken, and where Cloud could get any. His own spikes hounded him every time he looked in the mirror.

 

Keeping his arm over the back of his chair, Cloud lifted his wineglass and took a lot more than a sip.

 

"This is my other half, Zack," Aerith was saying. The black-haired man waved his hand at the wrist just once. "This is Squall, he's a friend of Cloud's from work."

 

"We've met," Sora said with a tight smile.

 

Squall gave no response.

 

Pretending Squall's rudeness hadn't just happened, Aerith ventured onward. "This is Reno—this is Rude. This is Barret. That's Cissnei. And I think that's it. Oh, and Tifa, she owns the place, she's over there at the bar." Aerith retook her seat, smiled as Zack kissed her cheek.

 

"Damn, Cloud, didn't know you had a brother." Barret had enough muscles to make anyone think twice about copping an attitude with him. "What's that about?"

 

Cloud half-smiled. Said nothing.

 

"You're just as bad as Squall," the big man laughed.

 

"You know this," Cloud returned.

 

He went for his glass of wine again and then paused.

 

The red-haired man known as Reno had his eyes on Sora in a rather hungry fashion.

 

A beast growled inside of Cloud, frightening in its intensity. Cloud didn't know why he was surprised someone would dare. They were both men, and Sora was clearly well above needing protection. Of course, someone else would see Sora and recognize his beauty. But damned if Cloud was going to let it happen right in front of him.

 

…Yet what could he do?

 

"We haven't ordered yet," Aerith was telling Sora at the other end of the table. "So don't worry about that."

 

"Thanks," Sora said. With a sincere smile, he opened the heavy menu and perused its contents.

 

"Sooo… Sora," Reno drawled. His lips pulled into a grin. "What do you do? We don't know anything about you."

 

"Oh, I'm in grad school for creative writing."

 

"Interesting, interesting… didn't have the same call as your brother?"

 

Sora laughed. The sound of it made Cloud's heart beat double time. "I couldn't keep someone alive if I tried. I barely know how to apply a band-aid! Cloud was always the one fixing my boo-boos." Sora's laugh had melted into a fond grin of nostalgia.

 

"That's so cute!" Aerith replied. "Awh, picturing Cloud as a big brother!"

 

"Hehe," Sora giggled.

 

"Cloud, why were you keeping Sora from us?" Aerith accused.

 

Cloud gave her innocent eyes, doing his part of the show. "More like from _you_."

 

"Heeey, what's that supposed to mean?"

 

"It means I'll have to burn the family photo album so you can't get your hands on it."

 

"Oh, how rude!"

 

And on and on the evening went. Reno wouldn't stop gobbling Sora down with his gaze, and Sora continued to regale Aerith with anecdotes of their childhood. There was a big cake, chocolate with chocolate frosting. Sora took a huge piece and dug into it with gusto. He'd always lived and breathed chocolate.

 

But he'd had one too many glasses of wine.

 

When his brother's giggles refused to dissolve, Cloud stood up and went around the table. The party was winding down, so he didn't feel bad telling Aerith and everyone that he would see them later. He picked Sora up, the other man barely weighing anything.

 

"Hey, Cloud, put me down!" The words were a slight slur. "Seriously, I'm a grown man."

 

Cloud grunted and carried his brother out of the restaurant and into his car. This took a moment of struggling on Sora's behalf. He bitched as Cloud fastened his seatbelt, insisting he wasn't a child, this was embarrassing, blah blah blah. Whatever. There was no way Cloud was letting Sora drive like this.

  
"Where do you live?" he asked when he got into the driver's seat.

 

Sora unfastened his seatbelt and opened the passenger door. At least, he tried to. He shook it several times before accepting it wasn't budging.

 

"You put on the child lock!" Sora fumed. "I am _not_ a little kid anymore, Cloud!"

 

"Then stop acting like one and tell me where you live," Cloud bit out. He was on edge. Half of his mind was still thinking about going back in there and punching Reno in the face. He reminded himself of all the reasons why Reno was his friend. He couldn't recall that many.

 

Bastard.

 

Sora huffed and folded his arms. "I can't leave my car here!"

 

"I already talked to Tifa. It's fine. You can come pick it up tomorrow."

 

"Clooooud!" Sora whined.

 

"Soooraaaa," Cloud mocked. He turned on the ignition. "Just… calm down. Okay?"

 

" _You_ calm down!" Sora sulked, staring out his window.

 

Flashbacks of how annoying Sora could be in their childhood niggled at the back of Cloud's mind. He knew he'd made the right decision in determining Sora's inebriated state.

 

Sora refused to give him his address, as if he thought that would make Cloud let him go back to his own vehicle. It didn't. The man continued to bitch on the way to Cloud's apartment, though he shut up when Cloud carried him to his apartment. He was strangely quiet, resting his temple against Cloud's shoulder.

 

Cloud tried not to read too much into it. He was mostly successful. He'd had a lifetime of practice.

 

He set his brother up on the couch. Blanket, pillow, glass of water. That finished, he straightened, stretching, and went to go take a shower.

 

Sora's hand curling into the bottom of his shirt stopped him.

 

Cloud's heart panged at him. He swallowed and tried to ignore it. He kept his expression straight ahead until he knew it was under control, and then he turned back to his brother. Sora looked up at him through his lashes, his cheeks rosy from the wine. For a long moment, neither of them said anything.

 

"Cloud…" Sora whispered. "I need you. I always need you. Stop running away from me."

 

Cloud knelt beside his brother. He lifted his hand to curve it over Sora's cheek, his fingers extending past his ear. Sora was so delicate. Strong, yes, and stubborn, but petite. He'd never had that last growth spurt he'd wanted. It was half of what made him so damned endearing.

 

Sora closed his eyes and turned his head into Cloud's touch. It made Cloud's heart break just a little. The moment was rife with possibilities, of what it could be like if they were together, together the way Cloud wanted. Sora was trying to find his way around what Cloud had told him, was trying to work his way back into Cloud's heart. He didn't realize he'd never left it.

 

 _You make me such a sap_ , he thought.

 

Damn.

 

And those kissable lips were so close…

 

Restraining himself to just a peck, Cloud brushed his mouth to Sora's. He rose to his feet, and that was going to be the end of it. But then Sora grabbed Cloud's hand and placed it over his dick. Cloud could feel Sora straining through his trousers. Apparently, he hadn't had enough wine for his body to be completely useless.

 

 _Pull away. Pull away now!_ he told himself.

 

Cloud dragged his thumb over that outline. Sora's breath hissed in as Cloud caressed him. He could make out the size of Sora, bigger than he'd thought, much bigger. His own cock gave a throb at that, thinking of the taste of Sora in his mouth.

 

Fuck!

 

He yanked his hand away.

 

"Cloud," Sora whined.

 

"Go to sleep, Sora," Cloud murmured.

 

"But—I want—"

 

"If you can honestly tell me in the morning that you still want me to touch you like this…" Cloud looked over his shoulder at the smaller man. "Then we'll talk. Until then, I'm not taking advantage of you while you're drunk."

 

"I'm not that drunk!" Sora protested. He was already rising into a sitting position.

 

Cloud put his hand on Sora's chest and eased him onto his back. "Please," he whispered. "For my own peace of mind…"

 

"Fine," Sora muttered.

 

Cloud left him to sulk and let the blissful darkness of his bedroom envelop him. He prepared a steaming shower, letting the water pour over him as he propped himself up on the wall. His hand wrapped around the erection that refused to die down and gave it a few good strokes. He imagined Sora on his knees… his spikes slicked down with the water… his pink tongue darting out to taste the tip of Cloud's cock… those blue eyes, burning straight into him…

 

He bit his lip against a shout. Seed clung to his fingers. He sagged, panting for breath, slipping down the wall a little.

 

God damn it.

 

* * *

 

 

_March 1, 2017_

 

The smell of pancakes, eggs, and bacon woke Sora. His eyes snapped open in time to find a delicious plate of food being waved in front of his face. He gave Aerith a grateful grin, took the plate, and inhaled everything on it.

 

And he was still hungry.

 

Halfway through, he'd remembered Cloud's promise to him. In the cold light of day, Sora's cheeks flushed, though he worked to make it go away. He didn't need to be blushing while he asked Aerith of his brother's whereabouts.

 

"Hey, where's, uh, where's Cloud?" Sora asked. "Is he up yet?"

 

"Oh, he had a call I guess around five this morning," Aerith mused. "He's always like that, rushing in and out. He lives at that hospital."

 

"Uh huh…" Sora replied, barely paying attention.

 

Cloud was gone.

 

Sora knew it was completely fair—Cloud had to work.

 

But disappointment had never tasted so bitter.

 

* * *

  


_March 15, 2017_

 

Two weeks later, Sora stood before his brother's door, two coffees in hand and a bag of muffins. He was beyond nervous, eaten up by anxiety. Cloud had been "busy" since his birthday, barely replied to texts, and when he did, they were vague. Sora didn't know what this was about, but it was time to put a stop to it.

 

Cloud had promised they could talk!

 

How could Sora prove that he didn't regret what he'd done while drunk if Cloud wasn't around to let him?

 

Aerith answered the door, a little breathless, her hair damp. She must have just gotten out of the shower. "Oh, hey, Sora! Cloud's right in there. You caught him just in time. He's about to head out."

 

Sora thanked her and crossed the apartment. His heart was beating double time. This was so stupid. Cloud was probably just afraid that Sora would take back everything, so he was avoiding getting hurt. It made sense, but that didn't mean Sora had to like it.

 

"Cloud!" he called, forcing his voice to be merry. He was almost to his brother's bedroom door. "I brought coffee!"

 

He turned the corner and dropped everything he was holding. Coffee spilled over the hardwood. Sora took a step back, unable to breathe.

 

It was that Squall guy. He'd been in the act of kissing Cloud while buttoning up his jeans.

 

Cloud looked around at the noise. Sora's mouth opened and closed wordlessly. "S-Sorry!" he blurted out. He rushed to the door and into the hallway, and by then, big, fat tears were rolling down his cheeks.

 

What the hell?

 

What the hell?

 

_Why?_

 

Footsteps shuffled nearby. Sora lifted his head and found himself on the other end of a very long, impassive stare. He wiped at his eyes in embarrassment and sniffled, ducking his head back down. Squall went on like nothing had happened.

 

Cloud appeared next. Sora stood and raised a hand. He didn't want to hear it. It didn't matter. Sora didn't have any right to be upset. He didn't. They weren't together. Cloud didn't owe him a single thing. He'd made it clear that he didn't want Sora around. Maybe it was time Sora finally listened.

 

"Sora, that wasn't—"

 

"What it looked like?" Sora stepped away from his brother. He made sure to keep his voice low. "You know, Cloud, I keep trying and trying. And you won't _let_ me. So you win."

 

"This isn't a contest," Cloud sighed.

 

"Sure it is." Sora pasted on one of his bright, mega-watt smiles. "I get it, Cloud. I've taken the hint. I guess I'll see you at whatever family holiday is next. Maybe. You know. If you're not still avoiding me."

 

Sora took to the stairs. What hurt the most was that Cloud didn't follow him, didn't even call after him. And when he was at the foot of the stairs and looked up toward Cloud's floor, the blond was gone from sight.

 

Sora's face crumpled. He had a test in an hour. He should be focusing on that instead. It was half his final grade. If Sora kept allowing himself to be distracted by Cloud, he was going to flunk his classes this semester.

 

His phone buzzed in his back pocket. He pulled it out and thumbed open his screen. He had a text from Cloud.

 

_Squall is just a friend._

Yeah, Sora thought. Right.

 

He crossed the sidewalk to his car. If he weren't so upset, he would have known it had probably taken a lot out of Cloud to send that. Cloud was extremely private, and felt he never owed anyone an explanation. Sora was just hurt enough that he didn't care.

 

Just a friend, it didn't matter. How could it have mattered? Cloud had avoided him for a solid two weeks. Again. He didn't want Sora around.

 

So Sora wouldn't be around.


	5. Wishes and Fairness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long-ass delay here. Sorry, guys! I swear this story isn't dead! I just have two huge stories going on over in the Star Wars fandom. But I've been hankering to work on this one, so here we go.

 

_March 29, 2017_

****

**_"Hi, you've reached Sora! I'm not here right now, so just leave a message!"_ **

****

_Beep._

****

Cloud lowered his phone with a sigh. Damn. It had been a month since his birthday, two weeks since he'd last seen his brother. It had taken him _this_ long to get up the courage to call Sora, and it hadn't even rung once before it went straight to voicemail.

 

Fine, whatever. That was a good thing. It meant Cloud didn't do anything stupid.

 

He tossed his phone onto the couch and paced with his arms crossed behind his head. The dying afternoon sunlight filtered in through the floor to ceiling windows that framed the back half of the living room. He'd just gotten off work—he wasn't thinking clearly because he was so tired.

 

Cloud had gotten what he wanted.

 

Sora had finally left him alone.

 

Then why did it feel so awful?

 

He thought there'd be—he didn't know. Quiet satisfaction? Relief? If someone wanted something fiercely enough, that was what they were doing it for—for satisfaction, relief. Yet he was experiencing none of that. No, Sora plagued his thoughts more now than he ever had.

 

Cloud pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut, one hand on his hip.

 

_Sora._

 

* * *

 

 

The wind was brisk as Riku and Sora walked through the slush on the sidewalk with their hands stuffed in their coat pockets. Both had red cheeks, and Sora's spiky hair couldn't be saved—it was now standing up everywhere, which was just lovely.

 

Stupid Riku and his ponytail.

 

"And you still haven't heard from him?" Stupid was saying now.

 

"No," Sora said shortly. He tucked his chin into his coat collar, attempting to shield some of his skin. "And I won't. He's Cloud. It's over."

 

"It can't be over," Riku said.

 

"Yes, it _can_ ," Sora said heatedly, his hackles rising. This was the one topic that had him on edge lately, that instantly put him into defensive mode. "I said it's over, so it's over."

 

"Look, Cry-lo Ren, stop whining. It's not attractive, _and_ —" Riku braved the wind to point at him with a smirk "—it makes you look like some grown ass man on the dark side, whining about how you're going to carry on your grandfather's legacy."

 

Sora took a second to process this, his mind whirling. It came out in stilted words. "What—that's not even—how much do you watch Starkil—it's 2017—not—even related to what I'm—what—" He squinted at Riku in the bright sunlight, really confused. "How long have you been holding that reference _in_?"

 

"Long enough, Sora," Riku muttered. "Long enough."

 

Okaaaaaaaaaaaay.

 

"Like I said, it's over. He won't call. He knows it. I know it. How can that not be over?"

 

Riku sighed and stopped walking. Sora followed suit, his eyebrows rising.

 

"Because he's your brother," Riku said simply.

 

Sora swallowed, looking away, shoulders hunched against the cold.

 

He hated it when Riku was right.

 

* * *

 

 

_April 10, 2017_

"And a record breaking snowfall for Radiant Gardens this year in April," the weatherman said on Channel 11. He stood covered up head to toe with the blizzard blowing behind him. Poor guy was practically an icicle. "We're forecasting over twenty inches. Please stay indoors! The roads are already dangerous with black ice—"

 

Sora clicked off the TV.

 

Cloud was probably going to be slammed at the ER tonight, Sora thought. There would be so many car accidents…

 

Then he got mad for slipping in his resolve to _not_ think about that bastard, so he threw the remote onto the coffee table and went into the kitchen to eat his feelings. They were already good to go if they got blown in for a few days. Riku believed in the zombie apocalypse, and their basement was fully prepped. That meant plenty of water and food, among other things.

 

Sora didn't like to ruminate on the weapons that lined one of the basement walls, all of which Riku had a permit for. Seriously, that was one guy you did not want to piss off. Fortunately, Sora had learned that lesson early. He could recall that day effortlessly—Riku shoving Sora down into the sandbox and—

 

_Bzzt, bzzt._

Grumbling, Sora pulled out his phone and checked the text message he'd received.

 

_Cloud: We need to talk in person._

Sora eyed his phone with great suspicion, then resumed slathering peanut butter on a slice of bread.

 

_Bzzzzzt._

His screen flashed.

_Cloud: I have the time tonight._

Sora found that really hard to believe. There was no way he wouldn't be in the ER tonight, on call or not. So he scoffed and added enough jelly to his bread that it oozed out of the sandwich. He took a giant bite, staring furiously out the window.

 

It was easier than to acknowledge the knot in his stomach.

 

_Bzzzzzt._

_Cloud: Answer your door._

The doorbell rang.

 

Sora's eyes widened, and he choked on his bite of PB and J. What the hell? How had he gotten Sora's address—?

 

Sora groaned. He was going to _kill_ his mother.

 

Whatever, he could pretend he wasn't home. He did so by turning off the kitchen light and hoping that Cloud wouldn't notice in the wrath of the whiteout.

 

_Bzzzzzt._

_Cloud: Really, Sora?_

Damn.

 

Manning up, Sora flipped the light switch back on, swallowed his food, and wiped his hands off on a paper towel. He stepped into his slippers to walk across the icy hardwood floor and answer the front door.

 

And was instantly blasted in the face with snow.

 

He sputtered, and Cloud used his brief incapacitation to step into the house and slam the door shut. The blond ran his fingers through his hair, dislodging chunks of snowflakes.

 

"Hey, watch it!" Sora protested. "If that melts on the floor, Riku is going to kill me! He's a freaking forensic scientist, if you can't eat off this floor, you—"

 

"Shut up," Cloud said so forcefully that Sora did, his teeth clacking together. Then he sighed and groaned, closing his eyes as he held his hands behind his head. He was quiet for a long moment before he wet his lips and spoke. "I don't like this."

 

"Don't like what?" Sora scoffed. He rubbed at his arm, trying not to shiver. The wind was howling past the door, and the chill from outside was lingering. "Not speaking? Avoiding each other? We've been doing it for years, right? Oh, no, wait, that was _you_ —I was busy trying to figure out what the fuck your problem was!" Sora wasn't sure when he had started yelling, but now that he had, he couldn't stop. "Why my big brother couldn't stand being around me!" He pointed both hands toward his chest. "Then he tells me the truth, and I try—I _try_ to make it better—"

 

"I never _asked_ you to!" Cloud snapped, his eyes flashing open. "Damn it, Sora. That's what you do—you push, and you push, and you push! When are you going to realize how isolated you are from reality?! Riku is your only friend—"

 

Stung, Sora blinked back tears. Despite what they'd been going through, he honestly hadn't imagined that Cloud would speak to him that way.

 

"—because you—"

 

"I get it," Sora said so frostily that Cloud trailed off and pressed his lips together. Heat was a lump in his throat. "I'm a pusher. Great. Glad we could work that out. There's the door." He was proud that his voice did a minimum of trembling. Emotional as he was, he still hated exposing himself, and Cloud was being a huge asshole right now.

 

"No, Sora, that's not why I came—" Cloud growled in frustration and dragged his fingers more fiercely through his spikes. He seemed like he didn't know what to do with his hands. "That's not why I _came_! I just… I don't need to be fixed. You get that, don't you?" He gestured between them. "That there's nothing that can fix me? That I've tried everything possible to _not_ be in love with you?"

 

The tears were growing more difficult to hold back, but Sora soldiered on. "What are you doing here, then?"

 

"You started this, and I'm past that… and I still don't like it. Okay?" Cloud hugged his arms tightly across his chest, his jaw set in a line similar to their father's.

 

"And what would you like me to do, Cloud?" Sora asked, sniffling. "Pull out a time turner and go back to January? Well, I hate to break it to you, Cloud, but all of the time turners were destroyed when—"

 

"If you make one more Harry Potter reference, I swear to God—"

 

"Then I don't know what to tell you, Cloud!" Sora threw up his hands. "I can't change anything that happened! You hate it. I get it. _I get it_. How many times do I have to say it before you believe me? Please—I'm fine. You can go. It's okay. Message received."

 

"For the love of—" Cloud muttered. "The message is _not_ received!" He pointed a finger at his chest. "Stop being defensive for five seconds! I am trying to tell you something, and you're not letting me! You keep twisting this around—stop!"

 

Sora looked away.

 

Cloud grasped his cheek and turned his face back to him. "I wanted that in the beginning—I wanted you to go away. I hated that you wanted to fix me. I hated that you were forcing yourself into something you shouldn't have had to." When Sora opened his mouth, Cloud brushed his thumb over his lips. "I hate this… I hate that we're not talking, that things have…" He sighed and lowered his eyes. "Sora, I just don't know what to do anymore." He dropped his hand.

 

"Well… first of all," Sora said stiffly, blinking back tears, "blocking me out isn't going to solve anything. Like you said, I push." His nose was burning. "But fuck you for saying that I don't have friends, because you _know_ that is not true."

 

"It isn't," Cloud agreed.

 

Sora swallowed harder. His vision was blurring. "I wasn't trying to fix you, Cloud. I was trying to understand. You're my brother, and I love you. How could I not try and understand, no matter how taboo it is?"

 

"I—"

 

"Sora, I've been calling and calling!" Riku burst out breathlessly, skidding around the corner. "Thank God you're home, there's been—" He took stock of the tall blond man in his foyer. "Whoa. Hey, dude, it's been ages."

 

Cloud gave him a curt, awkward nod.

 

"Uh, did you have to work at the hospital tonight?" Riku asked. When Cloud gave him another nod, this one less salty, Riku gave him the bad news. "Yeah, there's no way you're going to make it. There was a bad wreck—it's going to be blocked off that way for hours." He looked between his friend and his friend's brother, biting his lip at the tension in the air. "Uh… we have plenty of guest bedrooms, or even the couch, if you prefer."

 

Sora and Cloud both looked at the ground.

 

"Right." Riku clapped Sora on the back and stepped past him so he could go upstairs. "And clean up that puddle of water by the time I get back from my shower!" he called when he had reached the top.

 

"Fuck, I guess I need to call the hospital," Cloud muttered.

 

"Yeah," Sora said, holding himself again and tapping the toe of his slipper against the ground. He cleared his throat and straightened. "Pick a room. I'll… see you."

 

"Sora, wait—" Cloud grasped his elbow and tugged him back.

 

" _What_ , Cloud?" Sora couldn't bring himself to look at his brother. He scrubbed furiously at one eye. "I don't have a magic solution for you, okay? You got what you wanted, and you don't like it? There's nothing I can do about that."

 

"Actually, there is," Cloud said. "That's what I came here to talk to you about."

 

Sora sniffled and tried not to hiccup.

 

Cloud drew Sora into a hug, crushing him to his chest. "I'm an asshole, okay? I shouldn't… have given you false hope like that. It was fucked up of me." He let Sora go, grabbing him by the arms. "But in my defense, I honestly didn't think—"

 

"I'm over it, okay?" Sora interrupted. "You don't have to explain anymore—"

 

"Just listen to me!" Cloud said, exasperated. Sora begrudgingly quieted. "I can't help how I feel for you—and it will never stop. But if you can agree to not… try and fix to me, to—pretend that you don't know how I feel… then I can be your brother again. Okay?"

 

Sora eyed him distrustfully.

 

"I don't know what else to do, either," the blond said. "But… I can't stand seeing you hurt. I can't. I really can't."

 

"Yeah, well, you have a nice way of showing it…" Sora gave another sniffle and wiped a finger under his eye.

 

"Sora, please…" Cloud whispered. "Please just forgive me? Please tell me we can move past this?"

 

Sora looked up at his brother, and he tried to give him the answer he so desperately wanted. But he…

 

"I can't," Sora said, his lips trembling. "I can't pretend I don't know how you feel. I can't—act like I'm not… really confused myself. I can't do that. You know me. I'm the emotional one. I'm the person who can't keep a secret. I can't hide how I feel."

 

"Sora—"

 

"No," Sora said. His throat was so tight, it was making it difficult to get words out. "You… You've kissed me—I've kissed you back. How can we just _pretend_ that didn't happen? Is that what you really want? I thought you wanted _me_ —"

 

"Sora, do you want me?" Cloud demanded suddenly, grabbing Sora by the chin and jerking his face up. "Do you _really_ want me? Or do you want to see me happy? Because they aren't the same, and one certainly isn't very fair."

 

"You took fairness off the table when you slept with that mean doctor guy!" Sora cried. "You know what? No. I'm done. I really can't do this. I get that you're stranded—find a place to crash. I'm going to bed. Goodnight."

 

Cloud wouldn't let him pass.

 

"Seriously—"

 

"You didn't _answer_ me." Cloud gripped Sora's chin again. "Look at me. Look me in the eyes. Do. You. Want. Me?"

 

His eyes were so intense, and Sora couldn't read them. He couldn't tell which answer Cloud wanted to hear. Maybe Cloud himself didn't know. Sora didn't.

 

"I wish I knew," Sora choked out, a tear rolling down his cheek. "I tried to find out, and you wouldn't let me. If you don't like the result, then that's on you. Excuse me, I need to go find you some fresh sheets."

 

He slapped Cloud's hand away and hurried upstairs so he could do so.


End file.
